Weekly Wishes

The feeling of revitalization and refreshment from last week is gone. I'm pooped. I have work obligations here, church obligations there, and family obligations every where. I've tried to find a way to handle the pressure of the season with grace---except I just can't focus. Every year, around this time, I'm transported back into my teenaged body. I see my mother's tear stained face. Everything moves in slow motion. She says that my father is gone. I feel my heart break into a million pieces. I see black. Every year---for 15 years, it happens. I don't even have to look at the calendar. The pain feels the same but different. The hurt doesn't dull it feels sharper. I can sit in a room full of people yet still feel alone. I can't concentrate, my mind doesn't want me to. I can't shake it and I don't want to. I want to cry---but I won't let myself---I'm too old to still feel this way.

Over the weekend, we attempted to take our winter family pictures. I felt crappy and my hair looked pitiful, my hubby was moody, my little ones had a touch of a nasty cough, and it was miserably cold. We just couldn't get a good shot in the right light, so we gave up and took the kiddos home for hot cocoa and naps. Later that day, as I looked at our photos, I finally broke down. I finally let it all out. I finally let myself cry like I was 12 again. I looked at our imperfect low light family photo and realized that my father would have loved this picture. He would have bragged how my son (and his namesake) looked like him. How my daughter's eye's shined like mine. He would have been secretly pleased (I know that he'd never say it) of the man that I married. Yes, every year will be just as hard as the year before. But I can find solace in how much prouder he is of me today than he was yesterday. And instead of feeling all crappy, I need to thank God for all that I've experienced. Because without the highs and without the lows, I just wouldn't be the person that I am today. My dad's not here beside me, but he's always with me. His love lives in me.

This week, I'm wishing for renewed focus on the things that really matter. Not the perfect picture. Not the ability to be superwoman at all times. Not the best hair. But to be present in the here and now. I deserve it. I also want to do something awesome and loving for my superhero hubby. He's been on his A game for weeks now and he deserves the worlds biggest, most glittery gold star. I think that there is a Call of Duty at Game Stop with his name on it!


What's your wish this week? Big it big or small--speak it into existence! Want more Weekly Wishes? Check out The Nectar Collective.

Besitos!  
KLP

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